For some extraordinary reason, I still feel her love conditionally within me. I guess for the same strange reason, I yearn for that feeling every day of my life; as if she were still here. I don’t understand why God takes them away from us; but isn’t he magnificent? He leaves us with that powerful, transcendent and enormous love that can only be felt; neither touched, nor seen; hence, irremovable. Why does it hurt so much then? Why do we have to love to the point that it hurts?
I can see her sitting in her black leather couch; her glasses half way down her small nose so she could glance up to me and watch me as I silently glimpse at her from across the room, watching TV, while she is knitting something for me and my doll. So careful, so detailed, she is so concentrated at the same time that you can not even touch her. She doesn’t like to be touched, although she lets me hug her. She loves me with that unintelligible love and I love her in the same magnificent way. I don’t think anybody will be capable of understanding the spectrum of this love, and the way I can still feel it, to the point of tears. It makes me sad though, very sad. I cannot touch her anymore; and she would’ve loved me to, she would’ve let me.
I couldn’t be there on that last day; I wasn’t expecting it to happen at such a tender age of mine. I never imagined death existed. I never thought I could lose something that immense. I suppose this is the cause of my pain and my continuous thoughts about those days, my constant longing of those years, and my relentless pursuing of that feeling. Not only I can revive those joyful moments and recall them as clearly as if they would’ve happened yesterday, but I can experience the loss all over again as if I were at her funeral; the one I never attended.
I only saw that couch one more time. Never experienced emptiness such as that and looking back. Swore I would never go back. Just the thinking of it makes me want to cry. I don’t know when I will be able to face this reality, so painful and unreal for me at this time. I don’t ever want to go back, but sometimes I wish I could die, just to see her one more time.