June 2016
Thoughts meander through my mind like a river of contaminated dense and colorful waters. I feel the darkness crippling in. I feel the intensity of the push. I cry the pain of the shedding of these walls. I scream the anger for the timing it shows me. It penetrates. It rushes me. I’m ready. I’m tired. Not a caring hand and kind heart to hold me thru. Relentless fury. Sadness. Remembrance. Aloneness. Abandonment. 

Unmotivated to continue. In between worlds. Constantly. As I see the edge and I see the depth. Desire to disappear and hide. Boiling waters that burn my soul. Stagnant energies that cripple my body. In the darkest hour. You and me. Me and me. I. 

Fuck this pain. Fuck this body. Fuck the world and fuck everyone that says that care. Because when I die they’ll regret and say “I had no idea” . Just as the Earth does and the oblivious minds continue to diminish her to the ashes she once came from. Death and rebirth. Transmutation. Pain. Suffering. Joy. It all fits in the palm of my left hand as it cramps and numbs and itches from the nerve pain coming from my brain and my aching heart. As I feel it all. Yours, mine, no longer able to discern. Constant shooting and reminders that I am so alive and yet feel so dead at times. Reminders that Im still here when all I wish now is to be ashes with the earth. 

Hopeless. Alone. Surrendering once again to the unknown. Where would it take me now? I have no more force. Up and down, the hero’s journey, the wounded healer, fuck all of these theories and science and spirituality, I can’t take no more. I see it all around, I see the beauty too, the gems, the caterpillar’s struggle, the perfection of it all and yet it’s clouded by the pain and it collapses me back to the source of all suffering and it blinds me from the magnificent gift this life and my life is. It confuses me as I can’t see anymore and all I can is only feel a shooting spasm that contracts my heart, presses down my spirits, fucks up with my emotions and I get lost and disoriented. Fire burning down, dissipating, life force evaporating from my soul. 

I give thanks for this experience. Be it death or life I’m ready for the next step. Initiation to the next realm within my seeking starving soul. 

Lila June 2016

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