11.1.11

It goes on and on round and round and comes around and turns me up and down and throws me back up.

Dizzy. Fussy. Confused. Overwhelmed. Completely relaxed. Bliss and neurosis all in one.

But I wanna stand up and swirl up all over again.

What am I getting out of this twist? I need to sit. To shout. To shut. To calm down my neurons. Emotions. Infinite vibrations that make me tremble.

I’m cold. I’m sweating. It’s too hot. They’re still swirling up and I am indeed sitting down.

What to do, what not to do? Osho has exhausted his answers. The angels just keep reaffirming the mysterious truth that just serves as a first place consolation prize because I’m the winner and the loser in my own race, and it feels great and it’s still confusing.

They bring me down from their rainy clouds. And I feel like an inexplicable force is holding me up. Everything’ s taken care of. But why. Why. When. How? What is this? Why all these feelings?

Spiritual psychosis that it’s unbearable at times for my capacity to hold no more than 2000 thoughts simultaneously.

I can’t quiet my mind. Is this something else that maybe I should worry about? Is it not normal to be worry-free? Maybe I just worry about not worrying.

I don’t give a fuck. All I want is to be pain-free. I wanna dance. Let it all out. I need to scream. To sing. To laugh. To cry.

I believe I need to give all this bottled up love and this cap doesn’t seem to be unscrewing. Is it frustration? Maybe I’m pessimist. Depressed. Or maybe just too happy and overwhelmed.

Weird feelings to be experienced everyday. It’s just a state. Or a phase? Who will know for sure if not me. God, I can’t hear you. You were yelling at me.

My heart has tonsillitis and my voice is clogged. I need a cure. A method. A not so plan-plan that can help me unwind. I love caterpillars.

Help me reveal the beating. The hurting and the parallel force that wants to create. To fulfill. To expand. To help. To walk the path that I’ve carved. To process the steps so carefully founded. Discovered. Experiences unbeknownst to my diminutive consciousness. A GPS for my mind to get to my heart. I need to let go. And just go with this beautiful flow.

Liza

11.1.11 4:30AM

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